


Kairos

by Jenkins (Shikiyoku)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, kind of angst-y, omg so i wrote a thing, this is so unlike me i will cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 09:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shikiyoku/pseuds/Jenkins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which it takes a whole year for Levi to realize his heart has always been there, and the first acknowledgement for him to realize his heart was safe-kept with Eren for the past year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kairos

**Author's Note:**

> I KNOW. I should be writing walking forward instead of writing other shit, but, in my defense, i had it all done already. EVEN THO this is a really weird style for me to write, i really had fun with this, so i hope you enjoy reading as much as i did writing.

**01**

He watches Eren, and everything he does. He watches as Eren exits his bedroom, groggily making his way towards the bathroom halfway his and Mikasa’s room. He watches as Eren’s scolded by Mikasa and is too tired to even reply, watches as he walks towards the kitchen, pants hanging dangerously low in his hips as he pours himself a big cup of Levi’s previously made coffee. He watches as Eren’s eyes search for his, and when they lit up so obviously when they finally lock gazes, finally waking up.

He watches Eren, and it makes him uncomfortable. Eren makes foreigner warmth spreads all over his chest, makes his mind rush and Levi thinks about too many things and nothing at the same time. He has a ton of things he would like to be saying, but instead every word disappears when he opens his mouth to talk. Levi knows no words for this.

**02**

Levi remembers close to nothing about his parents; things like names, or moments they shared together, or even their faces, Levi doesn’t remember anything like that. He remembers his mother’s voice, though, as if she was leaning against him that very moment, whispering into his ear.

 _Levi,_ she says. _Never forget: a heart is better left untouched, it’s better left unloved. That’s why, Levi, tear your heart away. Take it away, hide it somewhere not even you will be able to find, throw it away. Hide it. Once broken, it will be useless._ You _will be useless._

**03**

He’s surprisingly good at fighting back emotions, though. He lets nothing outside, but he knows – and acknowledges, inside his mind, what’s going on. He has fallen for Eren Yeager, age 17, currently living under his care alongside with his sister.

He has fallen for Eren when he smiled, supernovas exploding deep down the vast seas of his eyes. He has fallen for Eren, whenever he fought back, true to his feelings, with heat and too much passion, even for stupid little things. He has fallen for Eren, childish face too full of baby fat all red whenever he cried, making a mess of himself. He has fallen for Eren, his constant blabbering ringing in his ears, so nonsensical and dumb and still making him _happy_. He has fallen for Eren, for their routine of silent good mornings and dangerous long good nights, when the warmth morphed into burning heat and involved them and Levi felt himself suffocating on it.

**04**

Sometimes when Levi’s going over the company’s bureaucracy and paperwork or analyzing the next day’s schedule at night, Eren comes all the way from his bedroom, fluffy comforter Levi bought one for him and one for Mikasa wrapped securely around himself and pillow in hands. He sits down quietly too close to Levi and pushes his knees up, holding them. He leans against Levi unceremoniously and says nothing, nothing at all; just breathes in his neck until he sleeps, head slipping from his spot on Levi’s shoulder to his lap.

Levi silently watches him – he always does – and runs a hand through his hair, getting it away from his face. Levi has gotten better at pretending, so he pretends when Mikasa walks past them to go to the kitchen; he pretends his heart isn’t aching, and in turn Mikasa pretends she knows nothing.

Levi’s grateful.

**05**

Eren is a stupid kid, but he’s a bold stupid kid, Levi knows. He’s in a spot between Eren’s bigger body and the wall, and although he’d always be able to get away from him, he doesn’t really want to. So he pretends Eren has him trapped, even when Eren starts blabbering nonsense and saying his name in a way that makes Levi sure of what’s next – he’s been through this more often than he’s comfortable admitting. He’s good at shooing people away, though, ignoring them and being generally himself (no one never really _likes_ his true self).

But Eren’s different. He has tried being rude, has tried ignoring him, has tried breaking his heart going out with other people. He feels like the one and only teenager with the deplorable behavior, but Eren’s different and insistent and just _right,_ but Levi has long ago forgotten where he buried his heart.

“Eren,” he exhales, voice full of one too many feelings at once, and he shakes his head. “Don’t say anything.”

**06**

He knows Eren thinks he’s a coward – it’s okay, really (he knows he’s a coward, has known for longer than Eren was even alive). Eren knows he knows; knows about wanting him, knows about being wanted back, knows about pretending and dancing around each other for months now. Eren knows Levi knows everything, especially the unspoken words that linger between them, so loud it feels like his head will explode.

**07**

Levi is heartbroken when he goes with Mikasa to the airport to see Eren off; One damn fucking year in Germany, and Levi is grateful because he sincerely thought he’d go crazy, but he feels so lonely the moment Eren goes away it almost feels like comedy.

He’s happy for him – happy he’s trying to move on. He’s happy for himself too – happy he won’t be close enough to do something stupid. He’s happy, but he’s so very sad it feels like the world is going down on him, feels like Eren is slipping through his fingers, feels like Eren is taking his heart away with him.

_(But that’s stupid, really – Eren couldn’t have found it)_

**08**

Every day is lonely and boring. He has gotten closer to Mikasa, now that Eren’s not around to distract them both; he has gotten more work done, has been thinking more stupid shit over. He misses Eren’s voice and Eren’s face, he misses Eren calling his name. He misses Eren curling up at his side in the late nights when he’s working alone. He makes too much coffee and is angry at himself when he doesn’t drink it all, Eren’s share going to waste because he’s stupid.

He’s lonely from morning to night. He’s lonely when they skype, Mikasa asking too many things at once and Eren laughing at her when he tries to teach her one or two sentences. He’s lonely when he eats, when he has no one to scold because of bad manners. He’s lonely, waiting to pick Eren up from somewhere.

Except, Eren won’t be coming home anytime soon.

**09**

It feels like eternity. Everyday feels like eternity. All inside his mind is _idiot, you are so idiot. You are stupid, why are you even alive? Your entire existence is ridiculous, you are ridiculous_ and _Eren. Eren, come back. Eren, I miss you. I miss you so much. You worthless piece of shit, you gave up as soon as I told you to. You didn’t have it in you to fight. I hate you. I hate you so much, but please come back._

Mikasa points out he’s withdrawing from society more than the usual, and that he has been eating less than before. Mikasa knows what’s going on, but all Levi wants her to do is to shut the fuck up and go the fuck away. Maybe go fetch her brother in the damn Germany, and come back.

He wants Eren back.

**10**

A year is a lot of time. It used to pass too quickly before, when he was in the streets dealing illegal stuff or getting into fights. A year passed as if it was a single day, maybe a single hour. Every second feels like a year now – like all the years that passed in a blink of the eyes coming back to bite him in the ass.

**11**

He’s grateful when Mikasa tells him she has finals in the day Eren’s getting back home. He almost pulls her in a tight hug and thanks her. Almost. He wishes her good luck, and she rolls his eyes at him, accusing him of being the only one in need of lucky. She says Eren will nag at him endlessly about his weight loss, and before Levi can reply, she says she’s off to bed because tomorrow will be a long day.

A long day indeed. But not as long as this night. Eren’s coming back tomorrow. After a whole year without his face, without his heat next to his body. After a whole year without his voice, without his enticing smell of sweet things (it comes from Mikasa, Levi’s sure after getting closer to her. Mikasa smells like sweet things and pepper, and it’s weird but good – not as good as Eren, though) and sweat or freshness.

**12**

It takes a whole year for Levi to realize his heart has always been there.

It takes Levi this first acknowledgement for him to realize his heart was safe-kept with Eren for the past year.

**13**

He feels like a child in the first day of school, fidgeting in the airport and looking frantically from a way to another and _why isn’t he here yet_? He walks from a side to another for long minutes, until he realizes shouting and people hugging one another, and he looks at the sliding doors now perpetually open while 280 passengers get through it.

Then he sees him. He sees Eren. Taller, and with broader shoulders – ridden of some of the baby fat, but still so young. He sees Eren, looking around trying to find him with his luggage trailing behind him. He sees Eren, and their eyes meet, and it’s as if the world has stopped and he sucks a shaky breath when Eren starts walking – _fast faster faster fast fast faster fast_ – running in his direction.

He takes a cowardly step back, but mans up and takes two steps forwards, and the next thing he knows is Eren close to him, letting go of his luggage and looking him square in the eyes and leaning down and brushing their lips together and _I missed you so much._

**14**

“You can pretend it’s not there,” Eren says, suddenly, when they are riding home. Levi’s heart is pounding, back safely in his chest. “You can pretend I don’t know what I’m doing, but I have news for you: I do. It’s okay if you’d rather me to shut up, but honestly, I will say everything I want to this time.”

It’s not the place Levi thought about for this; they are stuck in the heavy traffic and probably won’t be moving anywhere any time soon. “I went away,” Eren goes on. “I tried to move on too. I tried to meet new people, I got ridden of the blushing virgin status, mind you, and it didn’t help. I saw you everywhere, I saw you in everyone I slept with. You’d rather pretend it’s not there, but it is. And you know it is. It was always there, Levi, under our noses, but you made me shut up about it as if I was going crazy.”

“And _what_ is it, Eren?” Part of Levi kind of expects Eren to reply _your heart_ , but that’s bullshit so he stares, waiting.

 “Our feelings,” Eren whispers, almost as a secret. “Did you think they’d go away?”

“I hoped so,” Levi answers, quietly, honestly.

 “They didn’t.” Eren informs him. “I’m not asking you to be with me, even though I do want it. Just,” he’s shaking just a little, Levi notices, when he turns around in his seat to look at his face properly. “Just don’t lie anymore. Just tell me once. Tell me I’m not that stupid; tell me I haven’t been hallucinating. Tell me I’m not crazy, that I’m right about it. _Please_.”

**15**

Levi does. He shoves him against the door when they enter home, luggage forgotten in the car, and Levi does. He kisses him hard and aggressively and demands it back because Levi does. Levi tells him he’s not crazy, tells him he’s loved, tells him he has fucked up the last bit of sanity Levi managed to maintain through his life. “Not crazy, no,” Levi breathes against his body hotly. “Just plain stupid.”

**Author's Note:**

> also, this was probably what i really wanted to write when i started when eren's seduction succeeds. you can see some resemblances, i guess, if you look close enough; this was a summary thing-y about how i'd go from their meeting to their first time; eren and mikasa moving in with levi after grisha died, levi and eren slowly falling in love, things being over thought and eren trying to run away, levi getting really close to mikasa in their weird way, eren coming back and stuff happening. 
> 
> i jumped straight to the sex, tho.
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
